XIII - The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time,
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls,
Brought me here.

And where was I before the day,
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday,
And I know,

That I am,
I am,
I am,
The luckiest.
--"The Luckiest," Ben Folds

I've spent the last twelve blog entries trying to find the right words to say.  This has presented several problems, one of which being that what I was trying to say changed on a regular basis, often while I was writing.  Other times, I would think of the perfect thing to say, only to forget it when I tried to write it down.  But, as is so often the case, somethings are best left to the professionals; in this case, Ben Folds, whom I discovered through Nancy.

The song "The Luckiest," from the album Rockin' the Suburbs, has most accurately expressed the core of how I feel.  Sure, there's plenty of pain now, and I feel lonely and abandoned, in a generally manic sort of way, but there's more to it.  "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," is not just a clever phrase.  It's true.  The time I spent with Nancy over the last 9+ years was fantastic.  Sure, there were plenty of bad times, but, to me, it was all beautiful.

I've struggled recently with knowing what to do now.  Sometimes I feel like, things I want to do, things that I like, I can't do anymore, because they aren't mine.  Things I like because Nancy introduced them to me, or things we discovered together, aren't mine.  I'm learning now that I'm still allowed to like them; they didn't belong to anyone to begin with.

I don't remember a lot about who I was before I met Nancy.  To be honest, I didn't really know who I was then, anyway.  I realize now I have the opportunity -or challenge, depending on your perspective- of self-discovery and reinvention.  But I know now that I don't have to abandon what I know now.  I'm still who I am, but I can rebuild me.  I have the technology.

I have challenges in front of me that I never thought I'd face.  I thought Nancy and I were different.  I thought, "We're not like everyone else.  We have something special."  But I realized something: we're just like everyone else.  We're the same confused, frightened mass of humanity that's screaming, crying, fighting and dying our way through life.  The only difference is that most people aren't able to see the beauty of life.  Most people aren't able to take the pain, and feel alive because of it.  But I am.

I am.  I am the luckiest.