Part V - Pieces

I'm trying to piece things together right now, whether it be the pieces of my psyche, or the components of a new life. I don't have much certainty right now, but I have a few ideas. And that'll have to do for now.

I talked to Nancy today, as I do most days; we have a lot of logistics to figure out, and not a ton of time to do it in. But I asked her if, after the hard part's over, if we could still be friends. She wants to, as well, but who knows. It's on the table. I'd like to stay in contact with her. It's almost a reflex. I see something interesting, and my immediate reaction is, "Oh, I have to tell Nancy."

We had a great relationship. We had our own language, a sort of blend of baby talk and twin speak. I'll miss that. It took a long, long time to build to that point. The trust and understanding we had, it's hard to imagine it happening again. Everyone tells me it will, that I'll meet someone else, and everything will be okay. It's hard to believe. I don't know how I got to where I was, so how do I get it back?

They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I believe it. I am the luckiest man in the world to have loved Nancy. She gave me love and happiness beyond my wildest dreams. I only wish I could have been what she needed. I wish I could be now.

I hate that I can't be with her anymore. Sure I wish I could go back to last Tuesday when we were still together; back to last Sunday, at Oktoberfest, smiling and laughing with friends, cheering on our favorite teams in the Tug-o-War, drinking in the sun, and eating cream puffs; back to the last time I held her, and breathed in her scent, felt her warmth; back to the last time she drove me insane; back to the last time she took up too much of the bed. I would gladly give her that and more. But the things I can give aren't what she needs. And for that, more than anything, I cry.

Today was an okay day. I went back to work, although I didn't get much done. It's too hard to focus, and I had a lot of phone calls to make. I felt pretty good when I got back to my mom's apartment. I ate a little bit of food, talked a bit. I'm kind of getting back together, but we'll see what happens Saturday.

Saturday, I go back home to the apartment. I don't know if I'm ready to call it "home" again. It's where I live. It's where I'll probably be living for at least a few months. And that'll have to do for now.