I don't know where to start.
Friday was my volunteer "Orientation Day" at Ohio Citizen Action, where you follow the canvassers around to see if they like you, and if you like the job. Near the end of the day they revealed that you promised money isn't guaranteed: it's dependent upon raising a certain amount of money. Otherwise, it's minimum wage. Also, they let me know that, during training, the day starts at 1pm, not 2, as was previously described. For the time being, they're allowing me to come in at 1:30, so I can still work at TBNK from 9 - 1. 9am to 10pm, 5 days a week. 13 hours a day, with a half hour off to drive from one to the other. 62.5 hours a week, and not much money to show for it.
The job was miserable. I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to try to talk people out of their money when you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Of course, knowing that I had seen her for the last time, and she'd be gone in the morning, made the day a bit more difficult. Drained emotionally, mentally, and physically, I made it back to mom's. She seems to be taking the whole thing pretty hard, too. But it is what it is, and nothing's going to change it.
Saturday morning. I got up, showered, drank some coffee, got my stuff together, and headed "home." The place was empty; not really, there's still stuff everywhere, but Nancy's absence is palpable. Some friends came by to hang out and take me to lunch. We headed over to a favorite little tea house of theirs in Oakley. I looked at the menu, thinking the entire time, "Nancy would love this place, I'll have to remember to bring her...." I had to leave. We ended up at IHOP, with, apparently, the entire population of New York, LA, and Chicago combined. The place was slammed; they were out of glasses, silverware, but somehow, not tables. The food was... food. I couldn't finish two eggs, hash browns, and two sausage links.
We headed back to the apartment, and I had them pick through our rather large collection of board games. They took most of them, the rest, who knows. We hung out, watched some South Park, and they left. I sat looking at what's left of my life, and realized that there's some more I need to get rid of.
Before Nancy left, she said she was leaving some books and DVDs, and she suggested I sell them. So I did. I packed up two laundry baskets of books and DVDs (some hers, some mine) and headed up to Half Price Books. I got a decent amount of money for them. Then I headed over to my sister's house for my niece's birthday party. I gave her my old cedar chest; not much use for it anymore. I borrowed (long-term) my sister's old 4 cup coffee maker, stopped to get some cheap coffee at Big Lots on the way home, and called up another friend. We hung out around the apartment while I folded laundry, watched some more South Park (hey, it's free online). Then we headed up to Sorrento's for a drink. We sat and watched the bulk of the OSU / USC game, drank a couple of pitchers, and staggered home. My friend went home, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep much, but I laid there pretending to sleep, hoping I could convince myself to fall asleep. My alarm went off before that happened.
I sang with Nancy's old church band this morning. My buddy, the bass player, picked my up at about 8:15 am, and we headed up. It was an easy $50, and it looks like I'll be able to do it every week, which is an easy $200 a month. Add that to everything else, and I'm making a living... 70 hours of work a week, but it's a living. I just wish staying busy would keep my mind off things, but it doesn't.
I miss her more than I can describe, and I don't know what's going to happen; it scares me. I know I've got great friends and family around me, but there's just too many questions, and I don't know if I can do this canvassing job. I don't know.
I just don't know.
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